Dear Sam
by EBB and Flow
Summary: "Sam Swarek had a bad feeling ever since he woke up and arrived at work, but couldn't figure out why. " AU season 4 and 4x12.


**Author's note: I have watched Rookie Blue since the first season, but did not get into writing ff for it until this season. Writing has made me feel better about this up and down season. For the purpose of this story, McCollins never happened this season. Regardless of whether you like McCollins or not, I don't think it will end well for them. Also for this story, the person who is shot in 4x12 Under Fire is not; I guess you can say I am a tried and true McSwarek shipper. **

**Author's disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue. **

Sam Swarek had a bad feeling ever since he woke up and arrived at work, but couldn't figure out why. He was staring at his coffee cup trying to figure out what it was and was drawing a blank. Marlo was slightly better after the events of yesterday and would recover unlike the relationship between him and Andy. He had pushed the limits of their friendship by asking Andy to forge a note in Marlo's memo book. She could have been caught and fired, but she did it anyways for Marlo and not Sam. The final word she got in proved the fact that Marlo and her had become friends of some sort. Sam might have pushed her to do it by saying do it for him, but she had done it for her friend and fellow cop Marlo. That spoke volumes about how much she scarified for the people around her and Sam was not the one she sacrificed for. He also realized how many conversations that they shared in parking lots and how he should put an end to that. The phone ringing brought him back to reality.

"Swarek," He answered bluntly. The voice on the other line was calm and composed but nervous. "On my way." He grabbed his coat and ran out of the office to the car. There had been a fake body that had been left in a park and shots had been fired. There was a call for an officer down and EMS to be sent there. He didn't know which officer was down and he secretly hoped that was a joke too. He arrived at the scene probably pushing the speed limit and several traffic laws. He looked around the scene and saw flustered Officer Price talking with Oliver. Her hands were shaking and covered in blood. He did not go to parade that day and tried to remember who Price was partnered with that day. At that realization of her partner, he wished he would wake up and find himself in a nightmare. But the yellow crime scene tape and the blood on the ground were very much real.

"What happened?" He said as he walked up to Shaw and Price. Price looked like she had been crying and doubted her actions. Shaw went over what happened to spare Price from having to do it again.

"Detective Swarek, I am so sorry. I keep going over everything in my head and I keep thinking I messed up."

"Price, you did everything right. You called for a bus and did everything you could. Has someone called Tommy or Claire yet?" He asked unsure of how that would go down.

"Now that you are here, I am going to call them and drive them to the hospital. " Sam nodded; glad Oliver was calling them instead of him. Claire didn't like him very much and didn't hide it.

At the hospital, Sam felt useless sitting there doing nothing. He was a trained cop and detective and he could do nothing to save the life of his ex girlfriend. He heard the boots of his partner Traci Nash as she handed him a cup of coffee. He wondered if being in a hospital again triggered feelings of Jerry's death. Through Traci had mourned better then him and recovered and let people in such as Guns and Gangs guy Steve Peck. Sam may have starting dating Marlo but he was never over Andy McNally and would never be. The whole precinct except Marlo were there waiting for news. Marlo was staying at her sister's when she was recovering from her manic episode. He thought briefly he should check in with her, but figured if she needed him she would call him. Andy had saved her career by being deceptive and lying and Marlo should be grateful, he thought. Luke had heard about what happened and agreed to help investigate so Sam could be at the hospital. Sam and Luke didn't get along, but he was glad Luke was stepping in to help.

Claire and Tommy were sitting next to each other with solemn expressions on their faces. They may have parted amicably, but Andy forever joined them. Two hours later, Sam prayed for the first time since Jerry's death hoping for some good news. He must have fallen asleep at some time because of the exhausting day. He felt his arm being hit as a way to wake him up and he realized that was Traci's doing. He rubbed his eyes and saw a female doctor in scrubs walk towards the group. The doctor was stoic not as she approached them not cluing Sam into what she would say.

"Family of Andy McNally?" She asked. Tommy and Claire walked towards her. He watched Claire start crying and break down in Tommy's arms. Andy McNally never made it off the table and the surgery was just too hard on her body. Oliver walked towards Sam with Celery trailing behind him just as Sam punched a nearby wall. The punch hurt his hand, but it didn't hurt as much as the fact that he was never going to talk to Andy McNally again. He wished they had had a better last conversation not about work or Marlo, just about anything better at all.

"Sam." Oliver tried to reason with him, but Sam walked away in the other direction. He saw Claire and Tommy look at him though their tear stained faces. The group watched Sam's dramatic exit feeling his pain deep down. Andy and Sam's love was one of those once in a lifetime relationships that never goes away even if one of them had tried to move on. It was evident to them that Sam and Andy were the best partners that 15 had ever seen.

The next few days passed slowly at the precinct as people heard about the news of her passing. Sam took some days off spending all day at his home not going outside or cleaning up after himself. A knock on his door bought him out of a haze. The person kept knocking despite Sam's wish that they would get the message and go away.

"Sam, I know you are home. Your truck is in the driveway. Open up!" Oliver's voice resonated from the other side of the door. Sam sighed and walked to the door to let him in.

"When was the last time you cleaned up? It looks like a pigsty in here." The mess was worse then the mess the last time Oliver has stayed here after Sam and Andy's breakup.

"What do you want?" Sam asked.

"Traci was cleaning Andy's apartment and found this for you." Oliver produced an envelope out of his jacket and handed it to him.

"Do you know the last conversation she and I had was a fight?" Oliver nodded, letting Sam continue talking.

"She and I had a fight about how it was good what she did to help me with what Marlo did."

"Is that why Andy took the squad car and abandoned me to do door-to-doors that day?" Oliver asked understanding why Andy had left him for a few hours that day. Sam nodded before responding.

"Marlo's prints were found on Ford's computer; she broke in to his house when he was out. Andy covered up for her by writing a note that it happened when we searched his house when Christian was missing. Andy was almost caught by Frank, but she told me she did it for Marlo not for me. I asked, begged her to help saying if anything she should do it for me."

Sam and Oliver were quiet for a few moments when Sam spoke up again.

"I can't remember when I last kissed Andy. I am racking my brain trying to remember and I can't. It must have been before Jerry's death but I don't know for sure."

"I am going to head out unless you need me to stay. Do you want me to stay and help you clean anything up?" Sam nodded." Read the letter when you are ready." Oliver said his goodbyes and left Sam in his empty house.

It took Sam a few minutes to collect himself to open the envelope. The front of the envelope had his first and last name in Andy's beautiful handwriting. It was partially one of the reason he loved looking at her reports when he was her TO. Even in the age of computers, her handwriting was perfect and her cursive was even better. She joked one day early on in their partnership that catholic school was the reason her handwriting was so good. He unfolded the piece of paper and began to read.

_Dear Sam,_

_You are either reading this letter because A) I was killed doing the job I love or B) __miraculously__ we got our heads on straight and you are helping me sort though my thing so we live together at our place and you found this letter by mistake. I really hope it is the option B._

_I am sorry that I ran after the whole I held a bomb in my hand. But, it is not entirely my fault and we both know it even if it is hard to admit. We had broken up because of Jerry's death and you were in mourning and the six weeks of no communication that followed were very painful and lonely. I needed to do Project Dakota for my career and myself. I felt like I needed to prove that I was wanted and needed and that I was good at my job. Because when I wake up in the morning, I can't think of what else I would be doing besides being a cop. _

_I understand why you liked being undercover. It is a thrilling adventure that you go along on and see what happens. Unlike what Boyd might say, I was darn good at it. I wonder if the reason we are so good at being undercover is because we are good at pretending to be other people. It is hard being ourselves sometimes and pretending to be Collin's girlfriend was just what I needed at the time. I took what you taught me and used it every day I was under. I took my cover and made it realistic,_

_Marlo seems like a good person and I am truly happy for you two. You deserve a great relationship in your life. Before the whole Wanda situation, I asked her why your relationship with her worked. She said it was because you two kept "emotional distance at work." Our relationship was never like that, but maybe it works for you two. You did open up a little to me. I know your favorite ice cream flavor is pistachio and you visited your father in prison when you were 6 and ate some pistachio ice cream with him. You told me about your sister's attack when she was 13 and how you got the joke book to cheer her up. You hinted at spending some time in foster care and how some kids come though the foster care system and turn out just fine like you. I just wish I knew more about you._

_Despite everything that happened between us, I am glad our relationship happened. Another man besides my father who I care so much told me how much I felt to them using the scary three-syllable phrase that people are afraid of saying. Just knowing that I was loved at least once makes me feel that even if I start other relationships, I was loved and that is good. _

_Yours truly,_

_Andy "Andrea" McNally_

He traced his fingers over he signature and felt tears begin to fall down his face. He wished he had opened up to her more when they were together, but it was too late now.

_One day baby, we'll be old  
Oh baby, we'll be old  
And think of all the stories that we could have told_

**Asaf Avidan - One day / Reckoning Song (Wankelmut Remix) **


End file.
